I am very distracted lately.

Having a hard time focusing on the things I need to so desperately be working on. But I must admit, I am wearing down.

First of all, the job search is going fruitlessly. Yeah, laugh it up while you can and while you're out of range, but I refuse to let anyone tell me I haven't been working hard enough on this. Least I have a fucking degree. At least I made it that far. And the job I want? It's a game of numbers and a game of patience and meticulous networking.

Second, I realized just how mentally fuct up I am right now, living emotionally like a homeless person, day-to-day, just flat-lining in regards to how I treat my 'feelings'. I'm living with symptoms, rather than dealing with certain issues at their source. It has become a norm to numb my mind and give no time to emotions or feelings whatsoever to the extent that it's my dreams doing the feeling, worrying and thinking. I've been doing this for close to 10 months.

Third, I am starting to talk again. I've started to say things that, for 9 months, I neglected to share, to say, to feel. I am learning a new style of living, one based not on just sating my primal needs (eating, sleeping, lusting), but an intellectual experience. I have people on the other end listening to every word, asking more, answering questions, offering intellectual advice. I am talking and I am actually feeling again.

And I guess the latter has been something I have dearly missed. My new boyfriend has stumbled upon someone seeking so much in a man, wanting for so much. I see it happening, for the first time in 10 years, I see a possible end to my looking, I see a conclusion, I can start to dream a little, and I feel I can actually wrap my hands around this. I can forget about miserable college years. I am starting to take comfort in someone again. To relax when they call me my new names, to see not flight and weariness in their eyes but joy and longevity. I see in him, a reflection of destination.

I can stare into his eyes and feel like his... one. If only for just a little while, I can say that I am starting to see a destination too.
Thank God for that.

I am Liren. Godtouched and Precious. The Price of Freedom is high. And "Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge." - Paul Gauquin. (words of wisdom from the 'brown journal'

-Liren <3 Ravenkin